MERCURIALENIGMA IS MY NUMBER 1 TOP PICK OF ALL TIME! 1. I am a morally upstanding man. 2. I can't say that I wont cheat on you with your girlfriends, but I can promise that I will only do so with your hotter girlfriends. 3. I do leave the seat up, but am attending the 12 step program for that (Our motto is don't take 1 week at a time, take 1 wee at a time!) 4. I dabble in goat (sometimes wombat) sacrificing rituals in my back yard on Thursdays. 5. I am great with s... but not on Thursdays. (Ok, see goats' offspring are called "s" so that is clever on multiple levels but when you explain the bit it's what I like to call 'worse than life itself.' Moving on... 6. My ass is like oceanfront property -- beautiful to look at, but you probably can't afford it. 7. I am humble. 8. I totally respect all bitches. 9. I am hung like a stallion. A very cold stallion. 10. If you don't like where I live, we'll drive it to a better location. 11. In a previous life I went out with you when you were the failed screenwriter slacker and I was the hot babe -- so really, you kind of owe me. 12. I'll give you one (1) dollar. Looking for cool women to attend concerts, sporting events, and festivals with. I'm also looking for subjects (men, women, couples) to interview (people do not have to appear on camera if they do not wish) for a documentary project on online dating. If I contact you, please write back even if you don't want to be on camera. Thanks.

My Ideal Person 1. I like girls who like thunderstorms and (good, not stupid)scary movies.
2. You should like to travel and be smart.
3. You should be someone who would never picture herself answering one of these ads.
4. You should comprehend that Condoleeza Rice is not a side dish at Popeye's.
5. You should ABSOLUTELY NOT be 'into' NASCAR, Beanie Babies, the movie Fatal Attraction, hideous fake nails or World Trash Wrasslin'
6. You must be above the superficial notion that you only date the most gorgeous specimens of the opposite sex.
7. Moreover you must be completely comfortable with the fact that I, myself, do not subscribe to #6.
8. If you think there is a T in the word, "ACROSS", an R in the word, "WASH", or an L in the word,"IDEA", the you are indeed fired before you even get the gig.
9. You must not smoke. You must not smoke. You must not smoke.
10. You must be 'into' wearing: little make up, those chop stick things in your hair, and no bra on my birthday, holidays (state and federal) and Superbowl Sunday.
11. If "Yer ol' man" or anyone else had to 'splain' any of this to you, then no thank you; drive thru.
12. If you've made it this far and are still interested, you must ask me out because of the oath I made from previous horrible dating luck that went something like, "Holy shit, I am never asking a girl out ever again." And I haven't.